nikki hollywood: Little Dances: I misheard a quote the other day as "You agree to die to live" and it just struck me, like, significant business. Suddenly, all that I really deeply feel about this life came to me in those words. I've always said that no matter how hard this is, I would never trade it in for anything else. If I'd had the choice, before living here as this person in this world having to go through this life, I'd choose it. Even if I knew that I would never really know anything and just have to live and keep going and persevere because it just seems like you've got to. Even if I'd been told how rough it is at times and how there's no manual whatsoever and so many systems seem ridiculous and how you just get flung into this place and there's no established goal and it's all pretty bizarre and heart breaking mostly, even the most beautiful things. I'd do it. Because, well, you agree to die to live, and in that idea, somewhere, is something I love…I get to be here. I get this. I get to wake up and feel sleepy and feel the cool cloudy day outside in the early mornings and make coffee and drive to work and even hate the drive and wonder about things. I get to hold the hand of my lover on the sidewalks and giggle and cry and burn toast and miss things.
And I don't know if this is the first place or the last place or the only place, but as far as I really know and can prove, it is the only one, and in that, well, in that, everything is kind of amazing and worth feeling and existing in. And it's weird and sad and so much confusing and somehow always touching. And I am grateful. Because there will always be those little moments, just waiting.
Like my whole childhood. Like dragging sleeping bags across the dirt road to camp out in the trees with my sister and watching meteor showers and running around in the garden of tulips and watching my dad mow the lawn that was a whole hillside and he made patterns and art out there, just for fun, and just because it was him.
And coming home to Z and we always do little dances together, because we're just happy to see each other and probably also because we're pretty impressed we made it this far at all here in this world and we're still going and for some reason we still know everything's going to be all right even though neither one of us has any clue at all how we're supposed to do any of this.
That's reason for a little celebration. Just a small jig of joy. Blessed are those who do little dances from time to time.
And we made carrot cake and Thanksgiving in August, just because. And went to the Hollywood Bowl to see Lyle Lovett and Willie Nelson and then, also, we just have the most fun when we're washing the car, spraying each other and smiling. There are so many things, there are so many parts that I love so much, and everything that's hard. I kind of love that too, in a way, because it means I'm here.
